Sunday, March 31, 2013

happy easter!

happy easter!

we enjoyed a much overdue beautiful weekend, and had so much fun celebrating easter this year with owen. now here's hoping the warm weather sticks around awhile! 

Sunday, March 17, 2013

owen is going to rock as a big brother.

owen is going to rock as a big brother. 

i can't begin to tell you how excited i am to see him in this role. i truly believe he will be so great. the below picture is of o and his cousins, nathan and "fias" (matthias) from this past fall. it's just.. so sweet.

i watch my two nieces on mondays, and have taken pleasure in watching him interact with his other baby cousin. he speaks so sweetly to her. he asks her to watch him or cheer for him while he shoots baskets, or gives her one of his toy cars when the kids are playing cars - a genuine attempt to include her in his activities. he takes pleasure in getting her attention and being able to make her laugh. and to my surprise, for being such a momma's boy, sharing my attention with a baby hasn't seemed to phase him in the least.

he likes to talk about his baby brother a lot. he went to work with daddy last week and met 3-4 of his co-workers, and felt compelled to immediately share with them what his "brothersister's" name was. (we use to refer to the baby in my belly as his baby brother or sister which he shortened to brothersister. we can't seem to get him to drop the sister part, but when asked, he knows it's a brother.)

we moved owen to a new bedroom with a new big boy bed, and turned his toddler bed back into a crib for his baby brother. he has really embraced his new room, and did so with no objections to all of the changes.

i think he's made for this big brother business.

Saturday, March 16, 2013

an ugly truth.

*** this post was written a couple of months ago. i feel i can share with you without causing worry, as i am in a completely different place now than what i was then.***

for those of you who know me well, it is no secret that i am no fan of pregnancy.

this blessing, the miracle of life that is growing inside of my blooming belly, and my fertility that seemingly takes only a glance across the room when i'm ready - this is a recipe for gratitude, no? and i am grateful. i'm grateful for my beautiful, healthy son and i'm grateful for my ability to create life. however, i can't help but feel guilty for my extreme repulsion to being pregnant. 

i have met plenty of women who have been pregnant, and not many of them were shy about sharing their own experiences with pregnancy when they noticed my pregnant belly the first time around. one that sticks out most to me is a woman who ooh'ed and aah'ed over my "cute belly" and how much she missed, and loved being pregnant herself. she went on to reveal that one of her pregnancies was quadruplets, and i could feel my stomach drop. it was very obvious she had a very different experience than i.. but also left me to believe that i just really suck at being pregnant.

for me, being pregnant sucks almost every ounce of happy from my veins.

the other night at dinner, my husband was making some valiant attempts to cheer me up, with little success. i had suggested to him that perhaps in some variation or form, i was depressed. "you're not depressed, you're sick," he said. to which i was quick to reply with an equally valiant effort to fight back tears, "i was sick for about 2 weeks. every day beyond that has been a struggle for happiness."

my husband is a good man. and he has been really great to me during this pregnancy. i'd argue that he's been even better with me during this pregnancy than my last. i guess that makes him a seasoned vet. he makes a run at my every desire to fetch whatever food or drink it is that i'm craving, and he is dad-on-duty far more than his share, even after a much longer day at work than me and swim practice. and that's all after i have called him in tears to pick up pizza (again) because i can't bear to cook. he is sensitive to my sensitivity, and knows to just hug me when i'm being irrational, rather than trying to reason with me. (he had to learn this. it didn't come naturally.)

he didn't argue with me. he just gave me a sympathetic smile and squeezed my hand.

i have spent more time during the last couple of months of this pregnancy crying than i have cried all year. i drag myself to work each day, and consider that a major accomplishment. bedtime is my favorite time of day, as sleeping is the only time i'm guaranteed i will not feel nauseous. but even my sleep is interrupted by frequent potty breaks in the middle of the night that have me hurrying back to bed and scrunching my eyes closed to forget that familiar nauseous feeling. to forget feeling.

what hurts the most is knowing that i'm not being the mom i need to be and that owen deserves. and my sweet little 2.5 year old boy cannot begin to understand that. "you tummy hurt, mommy?" it does, baby. my tummy and my heart hurt in the worst way. yet all i can manage to do, is heat up some mac n' cheese or oatmeal for dinner (usually alternating nights), and climb into bed to flip on cartoons until daddy gets home to take over.

since this pregnancy has disproved the hope that it could have been better the next time around, i think i'm checking out at two. i remember refusing to journal pregnancy the first time around for the sake of giving owen a sibling in the future. at 20 weeks in and still feeling nauseous, i spoke up just a bit. there is a real possibility that i may feel this way for another 2-3 months, and that's a depressing thought in and of itself.

this "morning" sickness has completely flattened me. i'm thankful pregnancy is temporary.

and i'm thankful for the tiniest speck of light at the end of this everlasting tunnel that promises an end to the way i've been feeling, and better yet, a teeny tiny human that i have only just begun to love. because i do. i already love you, and i haven't even met you... just don't ask me for another brother or sister, ok?

Monday, March 11, 2013

19 week belly.

it wasn't until i started to feel better that i revealed my growing belly the last time around. (that one was taken at 25 weeks.) so i'm going to follow in my own footprints, and do the same this time around. the above picture was taken during our san diego trip a couple of weekends ago at 19 weeks. i think it may be bigger at 19 weeks than i was at 25 with owen. but since my belly popped out at around 10 weeks (yowza.) i shouldn't be surprised to be ahead of my first time curve.

stay tuned.. i've got 19 weeks of growing to do, yet.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

it's a...

i almost let this big news go unblogged. oops!

last week's snow did bring one piece of good news - two snow days in a row! which meant my husband and owen, neither of which were going to be able to go, were able to meet me at my sonogram appointment for the big gender reveal!

for most of my pregnancy, owen changed his mind between a brother and a sister.. up until about two weeks before this appointment. from that point on, his answer was consistently.. and adamantly BROTHER.

colby has been predicting (and hoping for) a boy from day one.

i had predicted boy most of the way, and not until the last few weeks had i completely settled into wanting that, too. i have joked throughout that the expenses that would come with changing genders made me wish for my husband's sanity (and our bank account) that we go the boy route again. because let's just state the obvious: little girl clothes are way cuter than little boy clothes.

but the truth is that with my serious struggles with pregnancy (which may get a post of its own at a later date, should i feel moved to share..), and the probability that i won't want to endure another, i wanted brothers. i love the little boy that owen is, and i want more. i'm anxious to learn and live into this new dynamic of being the mama to brothers.

so it was to no surprise to any of us, and also very welcomed news that that little baby growing inside my ever-expanding belly was another boy! at the end of the sonogram owen just said, "dat movie was fun." and it most certainly was. :)

can't wait to meet you, little brother!

(and cheers to being halfway there.)